Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Sex, Lies and Videotape or The Legend of Zelda

We've all played The Legend of Zelda, a game made popular in the late 80s by the wonderful people of Nintendo. It occured to me over the weekend (somewhere between the 4th and 7th hour of playing Zelda) that this was no child's game. In fact, it's filled with all sorts of evil and negative examples. Allow me to elaborate:

When we begin the game Link is a fugitive, wanted for the kidnapping of the princess. The storyline operates under the impression that Link is in fact innocent. Right. Tell it to the judge.

He quickly sets out on his journey to "save" the princess, who I'm assuming at this point is his girlfriend. No specifics are ever mentioned about their romance, but I think it's implied. The only problem is Princess Zelda is hidden somewhere in Hyrule under lock and key. Link has no idea where to find her or how to contact her. Some people call this the "Witness Protection Program".

Blinded by rage, and driven by his insane love for the princess Link sets out on a killing spree. Other characters in the game will contact Link "telepathically" but in all seriousness I think he's just schizophrenic. Throughout the game he murders dozens of (security) guards and countless creatures native to the land. As he takes their lives he also strips them of their rupees and other possessions. On several occasions he has eaten the hearts of his victims, and has been known to rummage pockets until he finds bombs and arrows. It appears that Link is now a master of explosives as well.

As the game progresses Link's twisted desires sink even deeper. He quickly grows tired of cannibalizing his prey, the kill no longer whetting his appetite. We are then introduced to a handful of sorcerers and wizards who offer Link advancement in return for payment. He obliges and falls deeper into the Occult.

Link remains passionate in his search for Zelda, terrorizing known associates in an attempt to see her once again. The game calls these associates "Dungeon Bosses" but the word "Dungeon" and "Mob" can easily be interchangeable. He knocks off these thugs one by one pausing only to burglarize homes and demolish the landscape.

How could we have been so blind? It appears Link is nothing but a common thug. If you don't believe me then consider this: Some 73% of serial killers are white males with a history of animal abuse and mental illness. I rest my case.


Anonymous said...

LMAO, wow this post just put a whole new perspective on my youth! What were my parents thinking allowing me to take part in such savagery!?!

Eric said...

hmmmmm, somehow I missed Zelda. Went straight from Galaga (arcade version) to the first PS with nothing in between (actually not entirely true; we did have a Nintendo for a while, but my mom would never quit playing Donkey Kong long enough for us to play much).
When we got the PS the kids were small so I played A LOT of Spyro...now there's a homicidal little pyro in need of a good whoopin' and some meds.

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss