Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Billy likes Bueno

Years ago a friend of mine introduced me to the term "Billy". The origins of the word are unclear (perhaps she can clarify) but the message remains true. I saw "Billy" this weekend at the Taco Bueno in Weatherford as he drove away in his 20 year old muscle car while 'Danger Zone' played from his tape deck and the fuzzy dice dangled from his rear view. I was inspired to share with you some of "Billy's" finer attributes.
In no particular order...

You Might Be A Billy If:

-You grunt excessively while lifting weights.

-You own one or more gold chain necklaces
-You drive any model of Mustang GT (especially models dating from the late 80s or early 90s)

-You have a tribal band tattoo

-You list James Hetfield, Trent Reznor, Fred Durst, and the like as your 'Hero', 'Inspiration' or 'People I'd Like to Meet'

-You wear a wife beater and faux leather jacket in 90 degree weather

-You wear a wife beater and faux leather jacket in 70 degree weather

-You wear a wife beater and faux leather jacket in 50 degree weather

-You shape your sideburns...

-...You still have sideburns...

-...You don't understand why sideburns are included on this list...

And the list goes on and on. I urge to concoct your own list of "Billy"isms so that you may more easily spot a Billy in your community.
This is Billy

Vintage Billy

Ultimate Billy

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Sex, Lies and Videotape or The Legend of Zelda

We've all played The Legend of Zelda, a game made popular in the late 80s by the wonderful people of Nintendo. It occured to me over the weekend (somewhere between the 4th and 7th hour of playing Zelda) that this was no child's game. In fact, it's filled with all sorts of evil and negative examples. Allow me to elaborate:

When we begin the game Link is a fugitive, wanted for the kidnapping of the princess. The storyline operates under the impression that Link is in fact innocent. Right. Tell it to the judge.

He quickly sets out on his journey to "save" the princess, who I'm assuming at this point is his girlfriend. No specifics are ever mentioned about their romance, but I think it's implied. The only problem is Princess Zelda is hidden somewhere in Hyrule under lock and key. Link has no idea where to find her or how to contact her. Some people call this the "Witness Protection Program".

Blinded by rage, and driven by his insane love for the princess Link sets out on a killing spree. Other characters in the game will contact Link "telepathically" but in all seriousness I think he's just schizophrenic. Throughout the game he murders dozens of (security) guards and countless creatures native to the land. As he takes their lives he also strips them of their rupees and other possessions. On several occasions he has eaten the hearts of his victims, and has been known to rummage pockets until he finds bombs and arrows. It appears that Link is now a master of explosives as well.

As the game progresses Link's twisted desires sink even deeper. He quickly grows tired of cannibalizing his prey, the kill no longer whetting his appetite. We are then introduced to a handful of sorcerers and wizards who offer Link advancement in return for payment. He obliges and falls deeper into the Occult.

Link remains passionate in his search for Zelda, terrorizing known associates in an attempt to see her once again. The game calls these associates "Dungeon Bosses" but the word "Dungeon" and "Mob" can easily be interchangeable. He knocks off these thugs one by one pausing only to burglarize homes and demolish the landscape.

How could we have been so blind? It appears Link is nothing but a common thug. If you don't believe me then consider this: Some 73% of serial killers are white males with a history of animal abuse and mental illness. I rest my case.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008


And by "popular demand" I mean the one anonymous comment inquiring to where I have been. Thank you anonymous. Your identity matters not, for your sentiment is enough to prove my infinite awesomeness. SO, while I wait for my veggie dip to do it's thing in the fridge I'll enlighten you with some of my recent goings-on.

A coworker of mine recently joined the Junior League of Lubbock. She (in true Jr. Leaguer fashion) invited me to attend the first meeting of the season and enjoy pre-meeting margaritas. I obliged, partly b/c I enjoy this coworker... mostly because I heard the word "margarita". I had my opinions about the Jr. League just like everyone else, so I was excited to sit back and enjoy the night under the seductive influence of my Sangria Swirl. After drinks we headed to "headquarters" for the meeting. I'll skip all the boring details, but ultimately the whole scene was pretty cool. There is the fair share of 'ladies who lunch" but there were also a lot of normal women. Some women so normal even I thought to myself "She's in the Jr. League?" Yes I know, I'm a snob... I'll fit right in. Not to mention the fact they provided beer (pitchers in fact) nachos, brownies and other junky goodies at the meeting. Toss in some door prizes and some fancy women with potentially hunky sons and I'm sold. Where has the Jr. League been all of my life?

In other news, today at work I was calling customers with back orders and encouraging them to add to the shipment. I called a customer in Florida. For those of you who weren't made aware, Florida hates me. The entire state, they all hate me and wish I were dead. So I call this company and listen to the message header for my contact name: Joann Shorum. After cycling through all the names I opt to transfer to the receptionist where I'm transferred to an unfriendly women named Blanca:

Me: Yes, may I speak with Joann Shorum Please?
Blanca: Uhh ...(frustrated sigh)... She died a couple of years ago.
Me: Oh! ....ummm, I am SO sorry..... I'll update our records.

Thanks Florida! You've been great.

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss