Friday, July 31, 2009

Who needs a house out in Hackensack? Is that what you get for your money?

This will be my last blog from my apartment. As some of you know I have been "moving" for the last few months after it was decided in late spring that I would be moving into a house across town with a coworker rather than renewing my lease. Today is my last day here.

It is always bittersweet to leave a home. I sit here on the floor in a totally empty loft (and if you saw it before you'd be shocked at the size; all of my crap severely dwarfed the place). My green paint is still on the walls; the apartment office found the task of providing me the correct shade to paint it back to be a difficult and insurmountable one. The carpets are freshly steamed, because I am a firm believer in leaving no reason for your landlord to not return atleast a large portion of your deposit. The thud of the hammers from the carpet guys next door is impossible to ignore. Shadows from the 6 foot weeds that more resemble small trees spy through the discolored mini blinds. I was fond of this apartment at times.

But as I sit here I try to remind myself of all the struggles and hardships I encountered whilst living here. Not to depress myself, no, but to remember how lucky I am to be moving on. I have always been one to dwell on the past, and nowhere here to escape it. There have been small highs followed by crushing lows. Pleasant triumphs were had only to be met by suffocating defeat. I can not in my right mind be sad to see this place go. The character of the loft is immense, but it's not enough to redeem the mental, emotional and often physical pain I felt here. Perhaps the joys of living alone were lost on me. There was too much time. Too much time to sit and dwell; too much time to agonize over all things big and small; too much time to feel depressed, alone and forgotten; to much time to wallow in self pity and hatred; too much drinking; to much shopping; too much TV; too much sleeping; too much not living my life to the fullest. I mean I'm not a slug or anything, but I can honestly admit now what I've known for quite some time which is I let myself be a lesser version of me here, alone, away from the truth in love.

So I'm about to close my laptop, pack up my car with the last tiny load and hit the ground running (not literally... we all know how much I hate to run). Somerset Square can kiss my ass.


Eric said...

Congrats on the new place, I have the same like/hate relationship with my house and really, really look forward to the day I can look back at an empty shell and turn and lock the door for the last time.

Tim said...

Don't hold back, Sarah--tell us how you really feel . . .

Anonymous said...

Sweet lord, I have waited 3 weeks for your next post, and still nothing!!! Come back oh blogger of humor and wit!

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss